The Bare Minimum

So you are telling me that partners can do the bare minimum in a relationship, which is acceptable? Most relationships are becoming routine, and the partners merely perform their duties. One of the main reasons relationships and marriages are falling apart is the lack of commitment, which makes people grow apart. Why aren't we valuing our partners and emotionally investing in them? Because people who don't love their relationship with their partners tend to satisfy their needs by engaging in affairs or divorcing. 

As I observe relationships and people's perceptions of a relationship, the emotional and physical bond is merely superficial. Over the years, a bare minimum connection makes the relationship mundane, and we often become attracted to others who make us feel special again. If you are in a relationship, it is essential to make the little moments memorable. It could be as simple as taking them out, engaging in valuable conversations, or doing something special for them. You may be in the '30s, 40s, or '50s, but you are never too old to appreciate somebody. It just reminds the other person that their efforts and presence in the relationship are acknowledged and valued. We are all trying to find emotional security and be loved in a relationship. It is not hard to be emotionally available to another person. When you are with your partner, you should feel comfortable being vulnerable, sharing your thoughts, and expressing your perspectives without fearing being judged or criticized. I believe many relationships fall apart over time because we tend not to value or respect the connection as we did initially.

How to resolve: Before getting into a relationship or commitment for life, observe how well you understand each other. Can the both of you resolve a conflict with maturity? Can you respect each other's differences? Explore and grow in a relationship. Keep the relationship engaging throughout the years. It is not hard to appreciate your partner, and small gestures can make them feel wanted in your life. Efforts should not end after you tied the knot. Commitment, involvement, and communication have a significant impact on keeping a relationship healthy.

How to Make a Long-Term Relationship Work

The sexagenarian and Genz have a developed modern mindset of prioritizing themselves, a clear pattern in relationships. Individuals do not feel that obligation of compulsion to be part of a relationship that is not helping them grow. The elders would say people are giving up too soon; the young generation would say that people are standing up for themselves. This article is not picking a side but instead understanding a long-term relationship's pros and cons. It is for you to ultimately decide what is best for you and how you choose to live for the rest of your life.

If you agree with most of these, this person likely the one. From my experiences, the initial step to the long-term plan is communication. Communicate about how you see yourself in the next 5 or 10 years and how you see the relationship evolving simultaneously. If you are the type of person who wants to go with the flow (perhaps you don't want to plan every step), communicate that so the other person understands that you are considering long-term and are flexible about it. Have a conversation with them about career, kids, marriage, or factors you think could influence the relationship over time. Remember, as you are having these conversations, you or your partner will have different viewpoints; that is okay. You and your partner are two individuals who have united as a team to make this "project" work; sometimes, we have to take another route or take an extra mile to explain ourselves to move forward. Unless, of course, you are talking about bananas and they are talking about Mars, there is no correlation about your opinions, then it may be harder to agree.

“If your relationship is bringing you happiness, motivation, inspiration, providing a safe place to open up about your thoughts and emotions, bringing you pleasure, and most importantly, the teamwork is balanced between both partners, that relationship is the one!”

There are some basic ground rules that a couple must define and come to an agreement between themselves. One of the rules that I think is the most fundamental and neglected is, keep the arguments in the bedroom. 90% of the time, the disputes between two individuals come from an external factor, in most cases other individuals. Whatever the disagreement is about, keep the conversations amongst yourselves. You never know about asking for help from another person these days. Some people do not want to see you in a successful relationship, so they intentionally give you the wrong advice, while others may unintentionally. Don't go sharing your difficulties unless it is an individual you trust. Have faith in yourself and your attitude; you probably know your partner, relationship, and conflict better than anyone else. No one can help you better analyze than yourself. 

Let's introspect about some basic questions: 

1. Is your partner worth your energy?

2. Do you feel comfortable being yourself with them? (yes, they should love you, especially during your bad days)

3. Are the two of you on the same page about your relationship? Goals? Dreams?

4. Do you want your partner to be there with you for the rest of your life?

With long-term comes these conflicts where you have to decide to fix or walk away. Think to yourself, will the issue matter in the next 5 or 10 years? Does the other person acknowledge there is an issue in the first place? Do they understand your perspective, or are they adamant about their belief? Is there any way to resolve the conflict, or is there no solution to it? Before making an impulsive decision, you must understand the difficulty and analyze if one can improve it. I know of this one couple who talk out their conflicts (if they have any) at night; they don't sleep with any grudge. Find your way to overcome issues.

Once you have mastered communication, acceptance, patience, and conflicts, you are pretty damn close to a long-term relationship. Now I will come to a point where Gen Z says, getting "bored" in the relationship or, like the millennials say, growing "out of love." The best way to overcome this mindset (because you can grow out of love in 10 relationships, unable to find that satisfaction – not saying that involving yourself in 10 relationships is wrong, but you will exhaust yourself) is by starting to see your significant other like family. I mean, if you are considering a long-term, aren't they family? Then, ask yourself how it is like with your biological family. Do you tell your mother, "I am bored of you; I don't want to be your child anymore?" Don't you see putting in the effort, so they understand your viewpoint about things? Start putting in the same effort in your relationship with your significant other. 

Relationship Approach and Trends

I have seen many successful marriages, broken relationships, young dating experience. A shift happened with relationships over generations, and something which is still controversial today is the balance between individuality and togetherness. Also, there are many people our age comfortable in their dens, hoping someone would knock and their doors and propose them. It does not work that way; one must step out of their comfort zone if they are looking for the fish in the sea. Back in the day, most of our elders (grandparents’ generation) who are successfully married had a lot of “us” in the relationship, which is that kids these days cannot gulp down. They are continually looking out for themselves and have that insecurity that their freedom will get eradicated from this universe in a relationship. It is confusing, so we have to backtrack for a second.

To my dear young generation: a relationship, a marriage is an option. If you see yourself when you are 80 years old in a house all by yourself, living your day to day life, you do not need to get married.

If you think for a second that you need a companion whom you could talk to or share your feelings with when you are 80, then you need to find yourself a significant other.

Because when you are 80, it is not necessary that you have a group of friends who can conveniently hang out when they want to like you have now.

Also, do you need that one person whom you can share your mind with? Or are you entirely self-sufficient with yourself?

Additionally, my dear youngsters, you cannot plan every moment of your life. If you say that you will get married after 30, things do not need to materialize in a way to please your desires.

It is essential to ease your mind for a second, and let life take you through its course.

If things try to fructify when you are 25, and everything seems to go smoothly, why would you want to halt the journey and take a different turn? Unless it is worth it, and maybe you have other priorities besides relationships.

Now, coming down to relationships. The more we get older, the more formed we are. We know our likes and dislikes better than we knew when we were kids, right? We know what is right and what is wrong, better right? It is nothing but natural also to be more particular about our choices on our significant other as we get older. This is natural, but it makes us choosier and makes it difficult for us to get along, which does not work out.

We are looking for someone who is so similar to us that we are literally asking for someone to make our clone.

If you are in this journey of finding your better twin, sorry your better half, then I pray the world materializes for your desires within your lifetime.

If you have been in this world for long, there must be one thing you have learned by now that “you cannot have it all.” If you have not learned this, remember this. It will help you to be appreciative and be grateful for the things you do have in life.

When you have all that figured out, kids of this generation need to remember another point; relationships/ marriages do not mean that your individuality is at stake. You can be the person you want, pursue your dreams, depending on your partner. People are overdramatizing this, but there are very few partners out there in the world who are so dominating that they will overshadow your personality. They might have that control or authority, which may require you to ask permission before doing things, which is clearly wrong and unjustified. But that is a handful out of many. Most people are open to giving their partners the freedom to explore and encourage them to pursue their goals. This may differ relationship to relationship, but do not let this idea overshadow your approach in a relationship.

Another important thing which I have to mention is to be clear about the person you are before you get into a relationship. One may not have it all figured out yet, but shouldn’t one be honest about the person they are already?

Not being truthful from the start has caused many relationships to lose that trust, which is everything.

What happens is this factor of “individuality.”

Many people misuse their freedom of individuality. It saddens me that such behavior is common and acceptable in society. I have seen marriages where two people commit and are dishonest to each other, which is considered okay.

It is normal to sleep with another person; it is reasonable to flirt; it is all right to commit to any action we once used to call cheating.

Many people justify this behavior by calling it their freedom to “lead my life; however, I want to.” If people are compliant with these actions after being bonded by someone officially, they might as well have mentioned it before committing. If one chooses to live a lifestyle sleeping around with other people, tell your partner before you get into a relationship with them. If they are okay with this behavior, then that is amazing – if not, it is better to leave their life.

Back in our grandparent’s generation, many people slept with one person throughout their life. They never had urges or cheated on their partners to satisfy themselves.

I pen this because it is so common and so wrong. It is personal to me because this is the trend in my culture. The country where I belong, the nationality I identify myself with, is accepting of this, and that is not justified. I do not want to see my generation with the same attitude. If you think this is okay, then be honest—every honesty built in the relationship forms this trust.

Trust does not happen instantly; it is formulated every day by actions or words over the years.

If you have changed over the period of the relationship, then speak up. Hiding the truth about your thoughts, words, and actions is you doing wrong to another person. There may be times where one changes their habits or behavior in a relationship, speak up so the other person can cope and understand you gradually.

These are two topics about before and after a relationship. I wanted to write it together because it was in my mind, and I felt quite disturbed thinking about what the world has come to these days. Youngsters are confused about entering a relationship because the parent generation is not setting the right example. People have overcomplicated a pure bond that is shared between two people. When you are choosing your partner, you cannot conclude by experimenting with multiple people. It is all guesswork, and it is about that “us.” It is about sharing.

Sharing what is yours, and them sharing what is theirs. Love is supposed to bring growth and purity because when you learn how to share, you learn how to give and take.

The minute you calculate, give, and take, your love becomes conditional. When you don’t keep track and have expectations, your love is unconditional. I hope and pray that everybody seeking partners receives a companion who respects and values your give and takes.

Tell About a Time: Acknowledgement and Appreciation

Tell about a time when an individual hurt you and how that situation impacted you and shaped you as a person today.

I have learned a significant number of things from relationships. I have undergone pain in relationships. There was betrayal in terms of cheating, disrespect, putting the other person down. All the things that went wrong and hurt me helped me learn to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Never give an individual that authority that they dare to ever put you down.

I have never been a person who boasts about my efforts in a relationship. I enjoy doing things to make the other person happy. It satisfies me when I make someone smile. When I truly love someone, I am the type of person who would think of creative ways to express my love. I don’t wait for Valentine’s Day or birthdays; I like celebrating love spontaneously.

Moreover, I do not do things for anything in return. I am not calculative or keep track of things like that. I am all about making moments the best it can be. The only thing which I expect is acknowledgment. Appreciation could be an obligation for some people, so I will not even go there. But the necessary minimum requirement, in my opinion, is acknowledgment. One cannot take an individual for granted. A person can be going through much effort, and by merely saying, “you did not do anything” or not even take into account what the person went through is disrespectful. I learned that I want to be pampered and loved now, but on a serious note, I learned that I need to walk away from people who take me for granted. It is tough for people who have a lot of love to have that determination to draw a line. But it is so crucial for your mental health. It won’t hurt anybody’s ego if they acknowledge the effort their partner puts in the relationship.

As a person I am today, I have given myself a lot of love. I give myself credit, give a pat on my back when I accomplish my goals. I also pamper myself for all my hard work. I believe that appreciating yourself can help you feel good about yourself. On the daily, one should understand that one has done the best one could, and one deserves a reward for it. If I get my beauty sleep and eat nutritious food, it helps me to be more productive. I do not blame myself; I am not harsh on myself.

I understand and accept that I have my strengths and weaknesses; that makes up the person I am.

I love all my good qualities and accept my flaws. With that, I do the best I can in any given situation. Don’t let anybody let this beautiful relationship with yourself take it away from you.

There are many people out there with an inferiority complex who will crumble you by exaggerating your mistakes. Do not let anybody tell you are weak. Believe in your potential because these people will make you feel down because that makes them feel superior. This is how it works; once they successfully fit into your mind that “you were incapable of doing something and feel sorry and guilty for it,” they will automatically feel like they are better than you. It is messed up, and don’t let anybody mess with your head. Before you get into a relationship, you need to understand yourself. Know about your powers and limitations. And never give another person the authority to tell who you are and what you are capable of. If anyone does not acknowledge your efforts, tells you that you did not “do anything”; walk away. This may seem subtle, but through my experience, I can say one thing for sure that this will eventually bring one’s self-confidence low over the years. They will stop listening to themselves and be dependent on how the other person tells them how good or bad they are. Don’t go there. You do not want to be at a place like this or with an individual like this. 

A relationship should be where both the partners unconditionally support each other through good and bad times.

Moreover, the two individuals should whole-heartedly contribute to the relationship. The contribution is not one-sided. A relationship is teamwork, and although efforts cannot be calculated, participation is equally valuable. Otherwise, one person would be having pleasure while the other is drained, keeping the relationship alive. 

Also, appreciate. I know it’s a lot, but a thank you has never done any harm. A simple thank you can help the other person feel appreciated. It shows to them that you noticed and admired. We all need love and acceptance in this world. We all want someone who understands us for the person we are. Even if she made you a vanilla cake, when you wanted strawberry cake – it is the intention which counts, which is that she baked you a cake. If someone is going an extra step, tell them you noticed and give thanks.

What are the top qualities of your perfect mate?

It got me wondering when I came across this thought of what qualities are important for me in a guy. What is my ideal match whom I would say yes without a second thought? Who knows how my actual partner might be like, or maybe he comes across this blog and smiles to himself? There is no harm in thinking.

The most important quality would probably be being passionate about love and life—someone who wants to grow in the relationship. I would want the guy to love me unconditionally and accept me for the person I am. I read somewhere that when you passionately love someone, you are willing to be with them through thick and thin. Furthermore, I feel like with passion comes all the other elements like concern, care, being affectionate because you want to be there for that person through their happiness and their sadness because it matters to you. Every little gesture can mean so much for someone if there are genuine feelings behind it. These gestures, actions, and words may seem trivial at first, but this builds the relationship and makes it stronger over time.

Another essential quality, which is the guy must have is honesty. Two people should start a relationship with honesty; this can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts in the future. Trustworthiness also brings surety. In order to build trust in a relationship, it is essential to be honest. Nobody is perfect, and people unintentionally may make mistakes, but if you have the freedom to be open with each other, that is such a beautiful quality to have. Tell the truth about yourself and give the other person a chance to fall in love with that person. Usually, what happens is that when two people go out of their way to make the relationship look pretty in the beginning, and eventually they get tired out because that is not who they are. One would never feel like they are going out of the way if they genuinely want to make another person happy.

With that brings loyalty. When one is passionate and honest, there should be no space where the partner questions loyalty. It is essential to know that if you signed up for the commitment, there is no turning back. And I want a partner who has that courage and is responsible for loving me enough to commit for life. Talking about responsibility, I want a mature and reliable partner—someone who has an aim in his life, someone who knows his priorities. I want someone who can keep a healthy balance between work and personal life. Most importantly, I want an emotionally stable guy who has the depth to understand and is open-minded.

Moreover, that person should be like a friend who will listen to you and encourage you in life—someone who is concerned about your well-being. Sensibility is also an outstanding quality, so he understands to make the most out of the time spent together. Because being in a relationship is so special, and time flies, especially when you're having fun. Him making sure to make every moment count can make the time worthwhile. Lastly, believing and having faith is essential. Him believing in me, believing in the love and believing in the relationship, knowing that there will be issues, but also knowing that staying and overcoming tough times will be worth it.

Extra Credit: Sense of humor, patience, creativity, good cook

It is not like one has to learn these things, which I have mentioned. If you genuinely love the person, all these things will naturally come to you. It is really about genuinely feeling for and loving the other person.

Online Dating is like Arranged Marriage: Part 1

Hate to break it, but it’s true. Online dating is very similar to an arranged marriage. This is only applicable to people who are trying to find a serious relationship through dating apps. Back in the day, during conservative times, a guy and a girl would see their significant other’s photograph provided by a family member. And that is how they would know who their life partner is. Or so it happened in Indian culture. Although trends have changed, many families still opt for arranged marriage over love marriage. Well, that’s because elders are elders, and they believe they can make the best decision for their kids. They are not wrong; after all, they want their children to be happy and prosperous. They would convince their child by emphasizing the similarities the two have in common. You might hear these parents starting off with education, job, hobbies. And the most critical part – height! Before you know it, they have already convinced you that this stranger is just like you, if not more; therefore, he/ she is the perfect match.

Meanwhile, most of the kids now are growing up thinking they know who the best for them will be. So, they take matters in their own hands – oh sorry, matters in the hand of an app. The best and the most trending app, of course, so one can browse as many people as possible. So now an app just like their parents gives them a list of people to chose from. One can set their filters and prioritize their preferences. They can see their profiles, obviously starting out with their photo. The first photo is everything; by the way, if it is worth it, all the other images will be browsed. Now, if the pictures are mesmerizing or even reasonable, one may begin browsing about them further and look into their education, job, hobbies. And the most critical part – height!

So the concept is the same; the purpose is the same – it is just that by using an app, it may seem like everything is in your control. But people will be people whether it is found by you or your parents or your relatives. Consider all the options with the same judgment. After all, you only need that one person to share your life with, so how does it matter how you found them?

In the Long Run

What makes a relationship healthy? Moreover, what makes a relationship healthy in the long run? Consistency, understanding, and acceptance. The “honeymoon phase” or the initial phase of life should not be the only beautiful phase in the relationship. The honeymoon phase should exist from the start to the very end. To have growth, both should put the same effort to keep the relationship alive every single day. A relationship is a bond between two people; both are expected to contribute equally in keeping the relationship alive. It is not about the things done together, because eventually, one might run out of things to do – it is more important to enjoy being in the presence of each other. Also, one needs to understand that there will be differences.

It is up to us to decide if we can understand and accept each other’s differences and keep the relationship alive.

When one grows old with another person, expressing love through gestures or actions shows that they care. When love comes naturally, it will come as an instinct to have concern and love. It is important to always remind oneself of the value and worth of the significant other. Over time one may forget and take advantage. To not do that, think of what the other person means to you. Giving the importance and respect to the other person will help in keeping the relationship healthy and positive.

Understanding can solve a lot in a relationship. Problems, differences will emerge sooner or later. Two individuals cannot agree on every single issue (notice that issues are most of the time caused by a third party). It will help to overcome or to get clarity if one understands their partner’s perspective. It is also imperative to state your point, but do not get carried away in defending yourself that you shut away from someone else’s perspective.

Learning to accept comes with time and sensibleness. People change over time. Their likes and dislikes may change. When one understands, it will help in accepting and overcoming changes. There is a catch in this. In my opinion, one must not accept if the partner’s differences are impacting the other person’s lifestyle negatively. Apart from that, if there are positive changes a person is bringing, least the other can do is accept.

Various other things can also help a relationship grow positively, such as communication. One of the biggest reasons why people do not communicate is that one person thinks that the other person would feel bad. First off, do not do things that are impacting negatively on a relationship. If one has done so, it is better to say it than to hide it. The person may feel bad, but they would feel worse if they found things from somebody else. The other reason why one person does not communicate with the other is that they think that it is not important to talk about it. Important is an opinion.

What is not important to one may be important to the other.

Play it safe, be real, and be fearless. Sharing the smallest instances, mistakes, embarrassing moments is all part of communication, and communicating makes a relationship healthy.

Trust is big. Trust goes without saying, goes without proving. Factors like communicating, being honest all bring trust in the relationship.

Moreover, people who are thinking about committing should remember that one will not find their identical twin as their life partner, especially in this day and age. If one wants to settle with somebody, they have to compromise. Compromise wants to an extent but not needs. Be consistent, understanding, and accepting.

Be real and be yourself since day 1.

Whats More Important? Physical or Emotional Connection?

Physical connection and emotional connection are equally important for a balanced consummate relationship. Although I do believe that emotional connection is stronger and should be focused on more, especially in today’s day and age. I think that it has become easier for people to create a physical bond over-emotional or like the society calls it “no strings attached”. Possibly because physical connections are convenient? But is love passionate if it is convenient? It all comes down to the individual’s choice and how they want to conduct their love life. Any way of life is acceptable as long as it brings you and people around you, happiness.

According to me, for those who are seeking for a lifetime relationship should focus more on emotional compatibility. It is so important for the significant other to be not only your lover but your best friend. That friend whom you can go up to, reach out to, share your thoughts too – without thinking twice. It is important to have that understanding between the two of you. Both of you may not be on the same page at all times, but once you accept each other you can understand the other person’s point of view. That kind of acceptance, understanding, intimacy is important to keep the relationship energized for life.

The pleasure of physical bond can make you reach great heights of enjoyment and dissolve the differences whereas with emotional bonds can make you feel comfortable and loved for the person you are.

Now how many of you breezed through the word consummate? Yeh, that word on the first sentence. In simpler words, a consummate relationship is like true love. Let’s throw some psychology at this – for people who want to know. According to Sternberg’s Theory, also known as the drama triangle (to all the Bollywood lovers – don’t we all like love triangles?!), there are 3 important aspects for consummate love. Yes, this was the only time I paid attention in Psych class and got an A+ on my test. The three factors are: intimacy (closeness/togetherness), commitment (dedication) and passion (physical attraction). Following I will write terminologies in the simplest form just so you can show your knowledge about relationships to your friends. Intimacy + Commitment = Compassionate Love. Passion +Commitment = Fatuous Love. Passion + Intimacy = Romantic Love. Since this is not a thesis paper on relationships I will not elaborate.

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Since my question was which is important? For me, compassionate love is important! What type of love is important for you? Comment below and tell me why.